I feel like in the past decade, we as humans have been airing our dirty laundry en masse, the world over.
From YouTubers opening up about anxiety, depression, and other metal health issues, celebrities opening up about drug addiction, bipolar disorder, and even PTSD to less savoury thoughts and socially unacceptable opinions being printed in newspapers, aired over radio-waves, spoken about in vlogs and podcats, and published on self-hosted blogs all over the web – there’s no end to the openness that can be found these days while even a few short years ago, taboo topics of discussion would rarely see the light of day, let alone be given the limelight for their fifteen minutes.
One topic that still hasn’t gotten very much visibility and discussion? Hating your pet.
Two Types of Pet Hatred: One That Can Be Resolved, One That Can’t
I’ve spoken a lot about this topic before within the context of hating your pet cat (this is a cat blog, after all), and the types of things you can do to remedy the situation if you find yourself unfortunately in it. I don’t think pet parents set out to hate their pets, and so I definitely don’t think feeling resentment toward your pet makes you a bad person. I think resentment just builds up sometimes, due to a slew of varying reasons – from being frustrated over the destruction of your favourite furniture by kitty claws to being consistently sleep deprived due to incessant night time or much-too-early-in-the-morning meowing.
Unless you do your best to combat your hatred of your pet by being proactive in identifying and fixing the things that caused the resentment to build up in the first place, you’re likely to create a toxic environment, not just for yourself, but for your pet as well. So while I don’t think you’re at all a bad person for having negative thoughts about your pet, I don’t believe you should just sit around accepting these feelings and do nothing to remedy them.
There is one distinctive type of pet hatred, however, that stands out from the rest and truly can’t be resolved in any which way. It’s a type of pet hatred for the furry thing under your roof that really has nothing to do with the particular pet in question, but has everything to do with the fact that you’ve got a dependant that needs you take care of everything in their life for them. It’s a resentment based on the fact that responsibility is stressful, and life would actually be easier without your pet.
I’ll get into my thoughts about this particular type of pet hatred soon, but first I’d like to mention, that – to me – it sounds a lot like sometimes resenting and hating your own flesh-and-blood human child, which has actually been discussed a lot more these days even by mainstream media sites like the Daily Mail. There are times you may hate your own offspring for concrete reasons, sure: your kid does things you disapprove of, you get frustrated with their behaviour, or you’re unfortunate enough to be the parent to a kid whose personality just doesn’t gel well with your own. But more often than not, momentary hatred and resentment seems to stem from the fact that – while people love their children – they also dislike the fact that having children at all has taken up so many resources (money, time, energy), created so much extra stress, exhaustion, and worry in their parent lives, and even can come down to a feeling of being trapped, unable to do as one pleases, due to the massive responsibility and types of needs children have. See why I feel this variety of pet hatred is in the same vein?
You’re Not a Bad Person, Even If You Feel the Second Type
But telling people you resent having a pet, or that you sometimes hate your pet, is never looked upon positively. I actually find this unfortunate, because a lot of times, the momentary resentment is just an acknowledgement of the truth of the matter: that the responsibility of taking care of another’s life is enormous, and that there are downsides to it that never go away so long as the pet remains in your custody and care. In the perfect words, Kailey described in a comment on one of my posts, how this type of pet hatred made her feel – and how it didn’t at all disappear just because she loved her particular pet to bits:
I love cats, but I never asked for a cat. Never went out of my way to look for one. Never expressed a need to actually own a cat. Yet my boyfriend at the time surprised me with a cat one night. In a combination of fear of hurting his feelings and shock and excitement I accepted the gift. Don’t get me wrong, I love him so much. He’s a sweet cat. He cuddles, plays fetch, never bites or scratches.
But I resent him so much sometimes.
It’s so much money I never planned on spending. So much stress when he starts meowing at the top of his lungs at 3 am when I work early. I’ve laid on the floor mid mental breakdown pleading with him to shut the hell up so he didn’t wake up my toddler brother. I love travelling and spontaneity and I can’t just skip town when I want because I have a cat-child. Eventually when I move out of my parents house (I’m 20) I’ll have to look for a place that will allow pets and that will limit my options and raise prices. I’m just not one for long term commitment. Especially ones I never whole heatedly signed up for.
The thing is, I could never ever give him up because I love him so so so much. He is my heart. I miss him like he’s my child when I’m away. He genuinely makes me happy, I just can’t help but know that life would be easier without him. And I feel sick even writing that cause I feel like a horrible horrible person. I’m so conflicted. Someone please tell me if this is okay or not.
I could never look at Kailey or those who feel the same as her as though they’re horrible people – or as though they’re thinking thoughts that are not okay. Why? Here was my response to her comment:
Let me tell you, I don’t see anything crazy, weird, or even bad about what you’ve said. What you’re doing in my eyes is stating the obvious: that pets are a double edged sword because with the joy they bring us, they also bring us terribly big responsibility as well. Actually, your comment is reminiscent to me of a number of different articles I’ve read about people sometimes regretting having children, who love their children to bits, but do mourn the sacrifices they’ve had to make to have them.
Do I think these thoughts and emotions are common? Fleetingly, yes, but for the most part no, but here’s why: I think when most people take on a responsibility they appreciate the upsides for, they do their best to ignore all the downsides as much as possible to make peace with the situation and feel like they’ve made the best choice. Obviously, you didn’t choose to take in your cat, but even if you did, you sound to me like the type of person who is hyper rational and hyper aware of all the factors that go into any specific decision at any time, and that’s what’s causing you to look at the positives and negatives equally – you’re too rational not to do so.
Negatives of owning cats exist. Plenty do and there will always be many around. These are exacerbated every time you want to do something a bit out of the box (the box being keeping in one place with your cat). My husband and I moved from Canada to the UK a few years ago. Figuring out which flights we could take with him was annoying as hell, the anxiety of doing all the paperwork (which was quite a bit) and the actual travelling to get him here was no cup of tea for us either (my cat didn’t care much, but it was hugely stressful for the two of us). When we got here, finding a flat we could have him in wasn’t easy, and we still deal with the daily frustration of living in a country with no window screens while having an indoor cat. Now we’re moving to Portugal so to an extent we’re doing it all over again (though it’s much easier this time), and have to each time we move to a new house, let alone a new country – it can absolutely be exhausting at times.
But times are changing and there are a lot more of us pet owners around, so the world is beginning to cater to us. Landlords are becoming more accepting out of necessity, especially with cats and small dogs, there are more and more people willing to stop over and take care of a pet for you on vacation if you do the same for them. And there are a lot more toys and products out there that help us take care of feline boredom, litter smells, and other issues we indoor-only cat owners face regularly. But there will always be that baseline worry over the responsibility of caring for another’s life that will be there. And it will be true no matter how much the world changes.
You should not feel sick writing that your life would be easier without him. Because it would. That’s just a fact of life and if the rest of us choose to ignore it so we can feel a bit better about the sacrifice, that doesn’t mean it’s no longer there. But you choose to keep him because making your life easier is not likely to make you happier – well that’s enormous. If the responsibility – which is huge – is outweighed by the enhancement loving him and him loving you brings to your life, well that’s the trade off we have to make with nearly anything in life. Nothing worthwhile ever comes without a cost, the question is only ever whether what you have outweighs how much it costs you, and if you feel the answer is yes, then that’s that.
But I would advise you to do your absolute best to make the negatives of having your cat far less present in your life. You said your cat wakes you up at 3 AM – that’s a situation I was in when Avery was a kitten. It’s hellish. Really is difficult to function and not resent a cat that’s depriving you and family members of sleep. But you can actually change this behaviour with training, and I’d encourage you to do so. If you have any nagging problems with him, do your best to try researching how to train him to resolve those. Because yes, you have an enormous responsibility when it comes to caring and looking after your pet, but it absolutely does not have to mean you need to suffer through a lot of the bad habits cats can develop. I have a bunch of posts about training cats here and if he has any behaviours I haven’t written about that you’d like to train him out of, let me know, but don’t let the status quo be enough; make your life with him as good as you can make it. And if you’re worried about something in particular, do some research to make the worry and fear over it less powerful.
Research about renting with a cat, email a bunch of landlords and ask about if they’d accept a cat, maybe the situation’s a lot more resolved than you expected. Think you may travel in the future? Ask friends and family you have if hypothetically they would be willing to stop by and house sit for you while gone. Put out feelers to alleviate stress, even if you’re not going to do any of these things in the near future. Put your mind at ease with facts that you may not need now, so you don’t feel trapped and you always know the truth, which is that you have options. This technologically advanced, pet friendly world we’re heading into now is not going to get rid of every responsibility we have when it comes to our pets, but laundry machines, vacuums, and dishwashers made life a lot easier for those looking after a household, and technological breakthroughs can do the same for those looking after pets. I think the progress that’s been made has been great thus far, and it’ll only get better with the popularity of pets on an enormous rise.
Those are my thoughts, and now it’s your turn – what do you think?
Your Thoughts on Sometimes Hating Your Own Pets?
Do you think people who hate their pets sometimes are bad people? Do you think it’s okay and completely natural and human to feel resentment toward one’s own pets sometimes?
Have you ever resented one or more of your own pets? Has it been due to a particular problem? If so, what sparked that frustration? Have you ever been angry or resented your pet because of the second kind of pet hatred I was talking about – out of frustration for the responsibility being a pet owner brings? How would you express your thoughts when these feelings crop up?
I would love to hear any and all thoughts you have on the topic down below in the comments!
When I met my husband, he had an 8-year-old Himalayan who was the coolest dude. Because I never had pets growing up (I don’t count the couple of birds we had for a couple years), I never had them when I was single either. My mother believed animals didn’t belong indoors, and she is the most compassionate woman on Earth, so I took on her feelings about the matter.
I fell in love with the cool Himalayan dude, though. He became my “baby” after I had a dream that I gave birth to him. lol He must’ve sensed that he was now my baby, because his new place was always on my lap. The problem was that I was still completely grossed out by the byproducts of having a cat. The puke, poop, pee, and fur being where it shouldn’t be, more specifically.
Then, we adopted a practically feral cat from the same friend my husband got cool Himalayan dude. I was not enthused from the get-go with her. We drove 2.5 hours with the flea-ridden feral cat in a cardboard box on my lap. For almost her entire life, she ran from us as if we were Freddy Krueger or Norman Bates, when we had never hurt her… even accidentally. She was so stressful to be around.
After cool Himalayan dude died, we were a mess, but the second cat became normal! It’s as if she was holding back her true personality until after the other died. We had about three years with her alone, and she turned into a good cat.
Fast forward about 5 months after her death, I was so enjoying being cat-free. Hubby loves cats, though. I’m not a pet person because of aforementioned gross-outs over gross stuff.
But, my friend rescues animals, and she sent me a video of THE WORLD’S CUTEST KITTEN. No joke. She’s just the cutest thing ever. We decided to get her. When we went, my friend showed us The World’s Cutest Kitten’s sister. Hubby asked if we could have both since they’re siblings.
These two mofos are just so adorable, but I was living my nightmare when we got them spayed. Our condo is chaotic, so rather than have to keep them confined to the tiny bathroom that belongs to them to heal from their spay procedures, hubby had them locked in our bedroom with us… with their food, water, and litter. I was crying. This made me distraught. That was in June 2021. Fast forward to now, and I can’t stand to see the puke, poop, etc. randomly on the carpet or bed. It affects my psyche. Yes, these are two of the most adorable creatures, but the grossness overshadows this for me. I also think about how cool Himalayan dude was just the best cat of all time and was so cuddly. These cats are much less so—one doesn’t sit on my lap at all, and The World’s Cutest Cat will sleep on my lap, but when she wants to be pet, she insists on standing below the bed and forcing me to lean down. She won’t tolerate my picking her up to put her on my lap for petting. It’s very odd and makes me feel detached from her. The other one, I feel detached from most of the time.
I know if we get rid of them I will be guilty, but I will be happy knowing our place is cleaner.
This article is somewhat old, but it just made me feel pretty validated.
I have 3 cats in a two bedroom apartment. Only one of those cats was my choice to adopt. At the time, I was feeling completely alone and just going to work and coming home to be by myself, and a friend had a cat who just had a litter of kittens, and no one would take the runt of the litter, so I took her. A few years later, I got a girlfriend who also had a cat, so, when she moved in her cat came with her. And then another couple of years after that, we ended up adopting a third cat. My girlfriend works in the veterinary field, and the hospital she was working at was surrendered this cat because the owners wanted a convenience euthanasia. The cat was stuck at that hospital in a cage for probably four months before my girlfriend begged me to just let him stay with us. So I went from just my little runt cat to three cats.
Lately, I have been starting to resent all three of them. It’s not because I don’t love them or because I hate cats. The responsibility of keeping the three of them has just gotten much too big. And it only makes it worse in my head that I never really wanted three cats. Especially in this small of a space.
My little runt cat is both fortunately and unfortunately the smartest cat I have ever met. She can and will get in to anything and everything. She can open doors, cabinets, and is small enough to get up just about anywhere in the house. Lately she has become absolutely insatiable about hunting around for food. She will pull silverware out of the sink and throw it on the floor, she’ll get into the cabinets and steal packages of bread, and she’ll dive into the trashcan and throw out all of the trash looking for anything to eat. So then I not only have constant messes to clean up, she also smells like trash and is rolling around in my bed and on my clothes. Even just this by itself would be enough work on its own. I’m a pretty patient person and if I only had her to deal with, I think I could probably handle the stress of her. But, then there’s the other two cats.
My girlfriends cat was 30lbs when he came to my house. I have had him on a diet for almost 3 years now. He is down to 15lbs. When this cat lived at her parents house, he was spoiled with as much food as he wanted and obviously he has no self control since he was able to get to 30lbs. This cat does not care about anything except food. I was a chef for several years and I like to cook, but I can’t even be in the kitchen without him standing directly under me and wailing for hours at a time.
Now if we combine those two cats together, I have one scavenger and one who never shuts up about food. They will seriously work together. The fat cat will cry for food and my little cat will go hunt some down for them. And they are not at all picky. They will steal anything and everything they can possibly get their paws on. Paper towels. Onions. Plastic. I constantly have to watch them and I constantly have to check on them anytime I hear any sounds to make sure they aren’t getting into some type of food that could literally kill them. It’s actually worse when I don’t hear sounds. Because they also like to be extra quiet when they are doing something wrong. I can’t even punish them because they already know that I’m not happy with the stuff they do. If they even hear me open the door to my office they will run away from whatever mess they were causing before I can even catch them. And all of this scavenging really gets on my nerves too because I feed these cats the absolute best cat food on the market every meal. I spend extreme amounts of money on cat food every month to feed these three, and they still act like they are so unhappy that they need to eat plastic.
And then there’s our third cat. He’s actually a really good cat, he doesn’t really do much to annoy me. The problem with him is that he has extreme medical problems, and he costs me literally thousands of dollars. Recently he has pretty suddenly gone blind, and the veterinarians think he might have some type of cancer in his brain. In order to find out, he has to get an MRI, which is going to cost me $2500. So I might be paying $2500 to find out that either he’s dying and I just wasted $2500 on a dying cat, or that he’s fine and I just wasted $2500 on a completely fine cat. But also, since he is basically completely blind now, he keeps peeing and pooping in random places because he doesn’t know where the litter box is sometimes and can’t find it fast enough.
Between all three of these cats I am just starting to lose it. I literally feel like I’m going insane. The monetary stress of the cat food and the vet bills is completely overwhelming. I am not by any means even middle class. I am low class and I live paycheck to paycheck. And I have to spend probably $250 a month on cat food, and now I have upwards of $4000 in debt of vet bills and another $2500 getting added on. So I’m completely broke, I have no money for anything. If my car were to break down right now I wouldn’t even be able to fix it. If anything were to happen to me or my girlfriend we’d lose our apartment. And on top of that, I also absolutely constantly have to clean up after and deal with these cats. There’s pee on the floor, there’s puke on the floor. There’s trash and dirty dishes getting thrown everywhere. My bed gets rolled around in with pee and trash.
I hate everything about all of this. I can’t help but think about how instead of cleaning up after cats and being broke I could be sitting around relaxing eating some nice food and playing video games with extremely less stress. But every time I feel like that I also feel like I must be a terrible person and pet owner. And my girlfriend has no intention of rehoming any of them. So I just feel trapped. Until they all die, I just have to exist like this for the foreseeable future and I don’t know how to handle it anymore. My mental health is in the gutter.
It is nice to know that I’m not the only one struggling with a problem like this. It’s nice for someone to tell me that it’s ok for me to feel like it’s too much.
So sorry. Hope you’re in a better place mentally and financially now.
Hoping someone could help me. About a year ago my husband and I moved into a new home and a stray cat kept running in our house. We could not keep her out. We had both just gotten out of the military so we hadn’t had animals for 5 years and I really wanted one. So I eventually bought the cat some stuff and named her. All was good, had some issues in the beginning with night cries but she eventually got used to our routine.
Well about 4 months ago we got a dog. I really planned on getting a dog all along and thought I could take him on adventures and he could also have a buddy (the cat). Well my oh my was I wrong about the cat part, turns out she hates all animals but likes people. I’m not sure what happened to her but I think she was attacked at a young age. She acts aggressive out of fear I believe. The cat is only about 3. I’ve given it time and patience and a lot of treats.. now the cat mostly endures the dogs presence. She has a part of the house the dog cannot come in and stays outside most of the day (we live in a rural area), so I think that has helped. Sometimes she still growls and hisses at the dog if he comes too close. Although sometimes she will walk up to him, sniff him, then growl. It’s weird but I’ve accepted its as good as its going to it. Well the whole issue I’m dealing with now, is my sister gave me a kitten (a female orange kitten) I’ve always wanted one since I was a little girl because a female orange kitten I had died. So I went to thinking again, its a kitten maybe my cat will accept it. Wrong again, my cat is in full on battle/hiding mode. Doesn’t let me touch her when any animals are around, no longer comes into the shared space other than to go outside. I tried just keeping the kitten in a separate room and allow my cat to smell her. Done this for about a week and it’s still just as bad. Growling, hissing, running away, whole nine yards. It doesn’t help the kitten wants attention all the time (naturally cause its a baby). I’ve been allowing the dog and kitten to create a bond. And they are inseparable now. Keeping the kitten out of the cats area has been rough, im afraid she will get hurt. I keep the kitten in her room (my art room) at night and watch her interactions with the dog during the day. My cat usually sleeps with me at night and gone during the day, other than to come back to eat. Those times when she comes back she sees the kitten and freaks out. She’s actually a very sweet cat when no animals are around. I’ve tried slow interactions and smell swap but it seems nothing has worked. I’m convinced my cat won’t ever get along with other animals. It creates such a rift in the house and my emotions. I can barely get anything done anymore between watching the dog and kitten, when I put the kitten up she cries constantly (she shouldnt have to always be locked up), and when the kittens out and playing with the dog I have to make sure my cat doesnt sneak in and hurt her. My dog gets lonely so having the kitten has been great for him. It took months for my cat to even try and get used to the dog. And I trained the dog to leave the cat alone. I can’t exactly train a kitten to leave a cat alone or stay out of her space. Any others dealt with this? I’m close to giving the kitten back but I don’t want to have to live by my cats rules. I wish I could train her to accept other animals.
Thanks you for your article. I have 5 animals. (I know. Stupid! lol) I really resent one of my dogs and one of my cats. I often wonder what is wrong with me that I resent my cat so much. It makes me feel like a terrible person. She’s so needy and always has to be around me, where ever I go, she goes and she jealously guards me from my other animals and she has this whiny, annoying meow. I’ve finally taught her that she is not allowed to sit around and whine at me. Whenever I feed my cats, she tries to eat everyone’s food, she’s so greedy. Now, she’s started going outside the littter box and etc, etc… She just makes me cringe anymore when she gets next to me, I am an introverted person and don’t like to be stalked around the house constantly. I need my space. I’m trying to get a handle on this, she’s just a cat and could be much worse. Just reading this article and seeing that I’m not the only one who feels this way helps quite a bit.
Alright so in all honesty I am pretty stressed. I have a two-year-old (though could be younger) male cat named Bo, he’s playful and curious, but honestly a pain in the butt. I already know looking back on it if I had known how much trouble he was I likely wouldn’t have adopted him or a cat at all while I am in college. I Love cats. The issue with Bo is he can act a little mercurial, he can be nuzzily and seem sweet but then decide to attack in the next moment, and yes that’s normal cat behavior, but my kitty can do some serious damage. For the most part, he’s sort of relaxed but in some ways because of how much he used to hurt me I have a hard time trusting or relaxing around him. I keep him in a mesh playpen at night with his litter box, food, and bed, I know he doesn’t love the confinement but it’s the only way I get peace of mind, Maybe that makes me terrible. As this article addresses, I can’t help but think how much easier and less stressed I would be without him. I know my family thinks I should probably give him up, I just don’t know what to do. Returning him just feels like I failed. Any advice much appreciated.
Alright so in all honesty I am pretty stressed. I have a two-year-old (though could be younger) male cat named Bo, he’s playful and curious, but honestly a pain in the butt. I already know looking back on it if I had known how much trouble he was I likely wouldn’t have adopted him or a cat at all while I am in college. I Love cats. The issue with Bo is he can act a little mercurial, he can be nuzzily and seem sweet but then decide to attack in the next moment, and yes that’s normal cat behavior, but my kitty can do some serious damage. For the most part, he’s sort of relaxed but in some ways because of how much he used to hurt me I have a hard time trusting or relaxing around him. I keep him in a mesh playpen at night with his litter box, food, and bed, I know he doesn’t love the confinement but it’s the only way I get peace of mind, Maybe that makes me terrible. As this article addresses, I can’t help but think how much easier and less stressed I would be without him. I know my family thinks I should probably give him up, I just don’t know what to do. Returning him just feels like I failed.
I’m dealing with the same thing with my new dog and I feel so guilty. I always wanted some type of pet growing up but my mom didn’t approve of anything besides fish. My husband adopting this terrier mix from the shelter for me and I loved her the first couple days but now she’s acting more of her true self and I’m kind of miserable. She’s not even a ‘bad’ dog, but she doesn’t listen when I tell her things and it’s super frustrating. I haven’t been able to get sleep either because I’m guilty that I leave her home alone for work so I try to walk her as much when I get back then spend time with her and play with her.
My husband and I are both in the military and he recently deployed (which is why he got me the dog) so it’s just me at home with her. I told him that I regret getting her because I’m overwhelmed and he says he understands, but I know he will be sad if I return her. I’m struggling between deciding what’s best for my mental health and stress and being selfless so my husband can be happy to see our dog when he gets back.
I already know if I return her, I’ll feel a huge weight lifted from my shoulders and I’ll probably never get a dog again. I think I’m more of a cat person, but even after reading the other comments on here maybe it’s best I don’t get a pet at all until my husband and I are both out the military.
I also have a story to share about this topics that really weighs on my mind and creates big conflicts in me.
My girlfriend and I adopted a cat from the streets in Istanbul where she lived in very bad conditions. My girlfriend took the cat with her to the US. The Plan was to foster her and find someone in the US to adopt the cat as both our livestyles did not fit having a cat. We are both working and traveling a lot, living on different continents. Before she could get adopted, the cat ran away and fell of a roof. She recovered quite well but is now incontinent. As my girlfriend can’t keep her as she cannot afford to live by herself, i had to take the cat in. The cat has to be peed 3 times a day per hand – something I could do while working from home for most of the time due to covid. Now that things slowly go back to normal i do not know how I will do this… On top of that comes that my mother who lives 5 hours away is very sick and i would like to visit her as often as possible. Finding a cat sitter for an incontinent cat is very difficult and expensive unfortunately (my mother has an allergy so I also cannot take her with me).
Of course no one seems to want to adopt an incontinent cat. The whole situation makes me feel extremely trapped and i just don’t know what to do next. It also definitely makes me hate my cat sometimes and I am thinking often about dropping her off at the shelter because I am so overwhelmed and see no solution… Of course I love her and want to give her the best life possible but under these circumstances i really feel helpless…
Maybe some of you have a good advice for me…
I would see if a no kill shelter could take her and if one couldn’t, then I would euthanize her myself.
It’s not a popular or pleasant thought but you are right in that she would be extremely hard to adopt out due to her medical condition. If you don’t give her to a no kill shelter specifically, they will likely mark her as unadoptable and put her down right away. So at least if you do it, you can make sure that her last moments are pleasant and with someone that she knows and loves. Instead of in a strange place with people who don’t care about her.
If you do make the choice to do this, I’m sure you will feel guilty, but you should not. I think most people would have euthanized her after she fell off the roof. The fact that you didn’t and have taken on her care since then shows that you are a good and very kind person, and you should be proud of yourself for giving her that new lease on life.
Good luck with your decision. Sending good wishes to your mom too.
It’s a relief to read something like this because the feelings of regret around adopting my cat have taken me by surprise.
I recently adopted a cat for several reasons – I live in a space where I’m permitted to have several pets of any species; I have a child who’s head-over-heels in love with cats; I’m a big animal lover; and I feel lonely when my child is at his dad’s place for the weekend and I really felt like adopting a cat would be a good thing.
I’m a single parent and, for reasons I won’t go into here, parenting solo and making pretty much all the parenting decisions for my child is, obviously, a massive and stressful responsibility (and more than usual since my child is disabled, as am I). Never once have I resented my child for the stress and strain I face because I made the deliberate decision to bring him into this world (although I never intended to do it as a single parent). Caring for myself in addition to caring for my child, and with zero family or community support, is a huge challenge and often leaves me exhausted and with little else left to give to others.
It was a surprise, then, when I began to feel resentment toward a creature whose every need had to be catered to the moment those needs arise. (Let me be clear that I am aware it isn’t the cat I resent but the responsibilities that come along with caring for a cat.) And it’s not like I haven’t lived with cats before or that I hadn’t planned meticulously before bringing kitty home – I read articles, did my research, bought and set up everything we’d need for kitty before even adopting a cat. The difference this time is that *I* am the one responsible for this cat instead of my parents and I can’t hand that responsibility over to anyone else. It’s me all the time having to be 100% attentive, and being “on” all the time when I have to already do that for my child while often neglecting my own needs. All of this is even more stress that I don’t need. For me, having a cat isn’t a stress-reliever; it’s a source of stress. Heck, I’ve even lived with 15 birds at one point and never resented the care I had to give to them. And I’m fairly certain it’s all because this time I’m a parent with so much more to carry on my shoulders, responsibilities and worried that I never had as a single young person.
What it comes down to is that when I became a parent it suddenly didn’t matter how many books I’d read, how many classes I went to, how much I prepared for this little person I wanted in my life so much. The reality of being a parent is so different than just thinking of what being a parent is like. You just can’t be prepared for the feelings and experiences you can only understand after that little person has arrived, is entirely dependent on you, and it’s all up to you to make everything necessary happen every single day regardless of how tired or sick you might feel. I see that living with a cat is very much the same kind of experience. I really didn’t expect to be annoyed by constantly tripping over a 3-foot long cat stretched across my postage stamp kitchen. I didn’t expect to be frustrated by a cat whose food preferences leave him far pickier an eater than my kid. I’ve changed many baby diapers and while I’m not much bothered by scooping a litter box I am pretty choked about a cat that deliberately pees on my bed or a pile of my clothes (that I had to throw out) because he’s a little upset that his litter box isn’t pristine (and yes, I have had him checked out by a vet and there’s zero physical reasons for my cat to be peeing anywhere but in his box). My cat has an enormous tongue and when he grooms himself the smacking wet sounds are so overwhelming to me I feel enraged (it sounds like he’s eating himself and he often does this on my bed in the middle of the night. This lead me to discovering I have misophonia, which is a surprise to me only in that I didn’t think my being triggered by certain sounds would extend to a cat. He’s also difficult to play with – he doesn’t respond to most toys and has such a specific style of play that he often loses interest really quickly (and this is despite us being told by the foster family that he’s really playful).
None of this is the cat’s fault. He’s the sweetest, most laid-back and wonderful cat. I didn’t expect to have some of the feelings I have about the added stress of caring for him. I just couldn’t foresee it. And that’s because now I’m the only one primarily responsible for a cat in a situation where I am already at my limit for what I can give of myself, especially to a needy, clingy, kitty who’s constantly looking for attention. I see now that the responsibility of caring for a cat is literally like having a second child and that’s not something I needed right now.
Same. I have the funniest, the most laid back cat. I hate taking care of him. I went on holiday for 2 weeks and broke into tears when I came back home and saw him again. I don’t know what to do as my kid feels attached to him and my mother in law guilt trips me every time I say I don’t think I can do this for much longer.
Thank you for this article.
I have just adopted an adult cat, roughly 5-7 years old for about a week. To say that I have been having mental breakdowns is just putting it lightly.
I have cried at least 10 times for the last 3 days because and I have no idea why until I discovered this article. Every other article or people I encounter just make me feel so inadequate.
It has put everything into perspective for me.
My cat is very food obsessed and beg for it non stop. I had thought that I am just worried about my cat getting hurt jumping on counter tops, stove and dining table scavenging for food. I am having a hard time keeping her off furniture and kitchen because of her love for food.
Of course this also lead to the sleepless nights.
I am trying hard to train her to stop jumping on surfaces looking for food or getting to our food during meal time. I am so tired of having to tell her NO all the time to the point I have headaches.
When sit down and think I start to cry and did not know why. Now it has clicked in my head that I am so overwhelmed with the responsibilities and stressed that she might get hurt or I am not doing a good enough job to care for her.
I have thought about giving her back to the rescue but I feel guilty whenever the idea cross my mind.
I love her to bits but whenever I have time to think I get all emotional.
I don’t know if I made the right decision and don’t know if I should keep her.
I kept thinking what if I cannot cope with this feeling and ended up just hating her every time I see her?
Here’s something no one has yet mentioned. I hate my cat bc she has chronic kidney disease and after 5+ years of treating it, both my husband and I are just DONE. Her upkeep in special food and medication are costing us $300+ a month not including veterinary care. Veterinary medicine is now at the point where they can keep her alive indefinitely with the right medications and we just resent her so much bc she requires so much work. Also she is bleeding us dry while the engine is about to fall out of our 12yo hatchback and people worldwide are unemployed because of the pandemic. Due to her deteriorating body she is actively unpleasant to have as a pet, breathing on us with breath that is literally toxic from the disease, peeing outside the box due to arthritis and drooling constantly from subcutaneous fluids. But, she is not yet in stage 4 or end stage disease, and still eats, cuddles, bats at catnip toys etc. My husband and I are both animal lovers and never thought we’d be in this position. When our other cat had cancer, I worked from home for 2 months to give him palliative care. But the interminable nature of this situation is just unbearable. We both ask this cat at least once a week when she is going to die, and yes, I know how horrible that sounds. When can we put her to sleep and no longer have it be considered “convenience euthanasia?” We feel guilty asking our vet about this as he’s gone above and beyond for us for years, but we keep asking this in various vet forums and they keep rejecting the question. Somebody please help, we are at our wit’s end. 🙁
Hi AnonyMouse!
While I wasn’t able to answer your question directly, I did write up on an article on this post for you. You can find it here: https://kittyclysm.com/resentment-over-expensive-pet-care/
Hope this helps, my heart goes out to you and your husband <3 It's such a ridiculously difficult position to be put in.
I don’t own a cat anymore, but since I moved in with my girlfriend we have two dogs. Her favorite dog, in particular, I have really started to hate. I tolerate the other. When you work over 40 hours a week and live at or below the poverty line, pets are too much. When your needs are at war with your pets’ needs, that’s a problem. I managed to talk myself out of adopting another cat and talked my girlfriend out of kids for the time being. I don’t think we’ll be able to take care of either one.
My girlfriend’s dog whines constantly when I’m home alone, even after I’ve fed her, given her water, walks, and pets. She just stands at the front door for the next few hours and cries until my girlfriend gets home. I thought I liked dogs until I moved in with this one. I can’t sleep or rest hardly, because she’s too needy, especially with stuff I can’t do anything about, like my girlfriend’s work schedule. I miss animals that occupy themselves and can be content just being in your presence (like cats) instead of needing constant touch. (The dog cries if my girlfriend’s sitting and it can’t be in her lap. I think they have an unhealthy relationship.) I can’t lie. Sometimes I’ve fantasized about about ways to slowly kill this animal.
In the wild, if a mother can’t take care of her babies, she eats them. No, seriously. So in my humble opinion, if you haven’t killed and eaten your animal yet, you’re doing pretty good.
With a mix of training, dividing up responsibilities, and adequate sleep, my girlfriend and I have managed to resolve the dog issue. She had to do her part and discipline the dog when it would do things like whine and keep me up at night. It’s a matter of balancing needs. If you can’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of your pet either and both of you suffer. It’s just a sad situation, and resentment happens naturally because of that.
I just want to say thank you so much for posting this. I don’t have a cat, but I recently got a dog unexpectedly and the sentiments of this article made me feel validated and hopeful. Your empathy is so refreshing, especially considering how judgmental pet parents can be. Thank you!
I know this blog article is two years old and I don’t know if you are still active but I want to thank you for posting this. I’ve always dreamed of having a kitty since I was young and I finally decided to pull the trigger after months of deliberation after seeing a darling kitten up for adoption.
It did not take long to realise what a mistake I made. I have a ton of cat-parent friends who warned me of all the antics a kitten could get up to but you truly don’t know how much your life is upended until you are caring for one. The little kitten crawled over me at 3AM and I awoke screaming (I suffer from nightmares) and almost smashed her with my flailing arms. She bolted behind my furniture and was shaking like a leaf.
Once she recovered from the initial shock, she began to mew pathetically and my heart was torn. The last thing I want to do is hurt this little angel but all of this, combined with the legit panic attack I had as the realisation of the crushing responsibility the awaited me for the next 16yrs brought about an intense resentment that left me with no choice but to contact the shelter I got her from. I cried from how guilty I felt resenting her for being the sweet baby that she is and I only wish I could have turned back the hands of time to save her the trauma that she may have experienced in her short time with me. More aspiring pet parents should read articles like yours before making such a monumental decision. I now realise that I just don’t do well with living beings fully dependent on me for survival, which is why I will never again adopt a pet or bring a child into this world. I hate that I am like this, I wish I could change, but it seems as tough I am hard-wired this way to the point that my mental health suffers otherwise.
While it may not change your feelings on the matter: I don’t think you should hate that you’re like this and wish you could change. There should be no guilt in being the kind of person who could not be happy with charges under your care. You’re not harming anyone for being this way, why should you feel bad?
You didn’t know before you adopted the kitten how you would feel to have a pet under your care. I don’t think this is something you can know before you’ve taken the plunge and tried having a pet (you can have an inkling, but it’s not the same), so I wouldn’t let the knowledge that you *could* feel this way deter you (or anyone else for that matter) from getting a pet in the first place.
Once you realized your discontent, and that you didn’t do well with beings fully dependent on you for survival, you immediately rectified the situation by sending the kitten back to the shelter at an age that she’s still easy to adopt out, and because you didn’t hold on to her for too long, she’s also not too attached to you. There would be minimal trauma, anxiety, or “damage” to her situation if any considering how quickly you reacted.
You had a self-revelation you may never have had if this situation (which was easily reversible, unlike having a child) hadn’t taken place. And fueled by your self-discovery you made a resolve not to adopt or have children in the future, so no damage to others will be caused by trying again.
This is the most responsible, positive outcome I could imagine.
Hey Francisca,
I completely understand how you feel.
I am sitting here with my cat that I have adopted about a week ago, crying my eyes out while she has no idea at all that I’m am giving her back to the foster or potentially another adopter.
I contemplated getting a cat for a full year before I finally got her. She is the sweetest thing and I fell instantly in love with her. She cuddles with me all the time and even slept with me the first night she came to me.
She had this issue being food obsessed that I am trying to train her out of. Not to the mentions the jumping on furniture looking for food.
But I started feeling dejected about waking up for the pass few days, wondering why I am alive. The crushing reality came into focus when I realize why I am to crying multiple times a day. I am tired and resenting the care I need to put out for her. I have to constantly tell her NO to stop her from jumping on the stove top. I have been working hard to break her habit of jumping onto surfaces in the kitchen. I once turned around and found her by the cutting board right next to the knife. I was exhausted with worry and the work I had to put out to ensure that she is safe from anything in the kitchen.
I love her still, if not even more. But I cannot see myself keeping her and maintain a semblance of sanity. It started with crying, then I loss appetite and now I don’t feel like getting out of bed at all.
I hate myself for returning her but I would probably be hating both of us if we continue on.
Oh, man. Food obsession is so hard. This is one of the reasons I’m really starting to resent our new cat. While his food obsession was great for acclimating him to us when he was terrified of a new place, it’s less convenient when we have to lock up up during cooking and meal times lest he try to stick his head in a pot of boiling water. (Yes, he jumped up in the couple of inches between me and the stove to try to do this.) Add to this that we also have to play “musical rooms” throughout other parts of the day because he and our other cat have polar opposite personalities, and the latter has had health problems from the stress.
The newbie is also a very stubborn and spasmodic creature who can be happy one moment and nip and scratch the next. While he can be cuddly and playful, he therefore makes everyone in the family very wary. This further reduces the amount of attention he gets, compounding his naughtiness.
All in all, he’s a very big personality that might be right for someone but isn’t really right for us. I’ve had cats most of my life and have dealt with some doozies, but I’ve never resented an animal before. I think part of it is a situational difference: most of the humans in the family have mental health issues that are already very draining to me, and too many of his behaviors mimic human ones that already have me exhausted. Ironically, however, he adores me and follows me like a puppy, so then I feel even guiltier about not wanting him around.
I feel trapped in this situation because I believe that adoption is a lifetime commitment and I know that there’s more we can do to give him more attention to help alleviate some of the misbehaviors. However, I just really don’t know where that energy is supposed to come from, especially since I usually seem to be the only person in the household really committed to doing anything but locking him up in a room alone.
Maggie, I’m curious to know what you ended up doing. It seems like having a pet was not good for your health, and that should definitely be taken seriously!
Well here it goes mine, hopefully someone can help 🙁
I had a cat which i really loved (she was my first pet) but she was my sister’s so she did most of the work like giving her food, water, cleaning and all that (I was still young so managed to escape to those responsibilities). Eventually my sister moved house and took her and I missed having a cat so a few years later i finally convinced my mom to get a cat. I adopted her last week and she’s almost 3 months now. My parents and sister really like her and she’s really sweet and affectionate but I just can’t seem to like her as they do. I feel terrible about it but I deeply regret having adopted her and my parents are already too attached to tell them that I want to give her back. Also it’d be a terrible thing to do cause I’ve been asking for one for so long. I just don’t feel like she’s my cat like i did with my old cat, I feel like I just got myself a huge responsibility I wasn’t ready for. I love to be in my room at night playing with my friends or just do stuff alone and I feel like I don’t have my own space or time anymore. Right now I just want to sleep and my parents shut their room’s door cause she’s my responsibility but if i shut mine she’ll just meow the whole night but if i let her in my room she’ll keep me awake all night and I’m just so tired of that, I also don’t wanna lock her downstairs cause she’s still rly young so i just don’t know what to do anymore.
I think it’s great people are talking about this. I also want to vent my feelings about my pets. I love them dearly and always will. I lost one earlier this year to cancer, and it was a very rough time. I emptied out my savings trying to save him, but the cancer was too much for his little body. But at the end of the day, I still had 4 indoor and and 3 outdoor cats to take care of. If that seems like too many, then you will be surprised to know that at one point I had 18 indoor cats. But it was without my consent. I had an abusive partner with an unhealthy relationship with animals. He would take all of them in if he could. He would obsess over feeding stray cats and kittens. Though his heart was big for taking care of sick animals, he was a sick person. He did not care for me or himself even (or not of the health of the cats either). He was perfectly fine with having loads of indoor cats. No matter the cost of my health, my brand new home that I bought, my happiness, and MY finances. He used my good nature to take advantage of me. He used the cats and drugs to medicate his anxiety and depression. Which cost him jobs. One terrible night I had enough. I got tired of being emotionally and verbally abused when I put my foot down about the cats. He refused to help rehome even some of them, and blamed me for enabling him to have them (even tho I would be gaslit if I ever questioned him taking more cats in). He left with his favorite cats and stuck me with 9 others. I had only bonded with 3 of them since they were the ones I bottle fed. After a year i was able to rehome 4 of them. Two I put outside, since they were severely stressed from being inside with the other cats inside. It was not the cats fault, that this happened, but I hated them all on some level. You can only imagine the destruction that many cats did on my home and finances. I was in debt and depressed until I finally got a handle on it. And then I met someone new. He is absolutely wonderful. But unfortunately his ex also left him with 3 indoor cats. She took her favorite and moved to Japan. He has 2 he is bonded with and the other he just feels bad about. We put one of his cats outside (I should mention that I have a really nice and big fenced in yard with a pond, trees, and housing for the cats) since she refused to accept living with my cats. So at one point we had 5 indoor cats, which was still too many. One died, nd I was very sad but also felt relief. Cats have unfairly bewn used to abuse and gaslight me. While i love them dearly, I also have do deal with my great resentment at having them. Four sounds like too many still. I really wish I only had one, but when you have bottle fed them and they are 5 years old, it’s hard to even consider finding them a new home. My SO also shares my resentment, since his ex also used cats a tool to counter her depression. They deserved so much better. Until they die, I am stuck with these furry rascals. I the meantime, I will care for them as best I can and daydream about a hairless sphinx that I rescue from someone (who already had him declawed so I dont have to deal with that guilt) and train to use the toilet instead of the litter box, and bathe and play with,…..i even already have a name picked out. But this is all a pipe dream.
I’m so thankful I found this article because every other article I found on the internet made me feel even worse than I already do, I still feel so horrible for disliking my cat but I feel a little bit less alone now. I always loved animals, I still do! I used to have a dog when I was little but I never took care of it, my mom did, but when I grew older and my parents got divorced, my mom worked all the time so I had to be the one to take care of the dog and I grew to resent him and dislike him, I didn’t understand at the time, I just found everything he did annoying. I had always loved cats but my mom never wanted one but when I was 18, I got diagnosed with severe depression, and my mom started considering getting me a cat because she read they helped with that, and she’s against anti-depressants so she wanted some other way of helping. I wanted one so badly, I was so on board but we never 100% say we would get one, it was just an idea, that is until one day we went to the vet with the dog and the vet showed us a box with kittens inside and asked if we didn’t want to adopt one because if no one would adopt them, they’d get killed. Me, who wanted a cat for a long time was so on board and my mom when she saw the tiny creatures, she fell in love and told me that if we had space, she’d adopt every single one of them. We ended up adopting one, the only one that stayed in my arms and didn’t leap off immediately. I fell in love with the kitten, I loved her so much, she was my life for 4 years. My cat did help a bit with my depression, she was there when I needed someone, she made me feel loved and I loved her more than anything in this world. We moved at the end of 2018 and we don’t have the same space as we used to, before moving, we gave our family dog to a loving family because we weren’t able to give him the proper care he deserved and felt like he deserved better and also we wouldn’t have the space for him in our new home, and it would be just cruel to have him there without space to run around. We kept my cat though, because I couldn’t fathom the thought of being separated of her- In our previous home, my cat had already destroyed the couch, teared it to pieces even though we had bought her a scratching post and my mom had to refurnish everything so we don’t let the cat in the living room anymore since we moved into our new place. She used to sleep with me but she has a lot of hair and I would feel like I was choking and would cough and feel my throat itch whenever I inhaled the hair so we made her sleep outside my room but we can’t do that anymore since now the outside of my room is the living room so now the cat sleeps in the laundry room, which is not small but not that big either. We’ve placed her litter and food+water there as well as her scratching post. I used to love my cat so much, I would sob whenever I went on vacation and left her with my mom because I missed her so much, I would miss her when I went to stay at my friend’s houses. But ever since we’ve moved into our new place, I feel like I fell out of love with her. I feel horrible, my mom always tells me I’m so horrible and she’s always making me feel even worse than I already do. I’ve realized now that at 22, I feel like a pet is too much of a responsibility for me, I feel that I’ve felt this way for a long time (with my dog as well) but I never realized it before, I know I should have realized that before asking for a cat and taking one in because I feel like I’m making my cat suffer. I don’t abuse her or anything of the sorts, I would never harm her. But I just don’t take care of her anymore, my mom is the one that feeds, cleans her litter, brushes her, plays with her. The only thing that makes me feel that I make her suffer is that we have her stay in the laundry room, it has glass doors that look into the living room/kitchen so our cat sees us anytime we’re in the kitchen or living room and we see her. And she just stares at us or cries to be let in the living room. And I feel terrible because when I look at her, I feel like she knows I don’t love her the same way I used to and that it hurts her.
I’m tired of having a pet and caring for one, I haven’t been taking care of her as much for a year but my mom still makes me clean her litter or clean up her vomit or give her food because she says it’s my cat and that she’s my baby and I have to take care of her. Which makes me feel even worse because I’m 22, I don’t want a baby to have to take care of, I feel like the responsibility is too much and I think it’s partially because of it that I’ve grown to not love my cat as much as I used to.
When I go to the laundry room, most times I ignore my cat when she asks for cuddles, sometimes I give her a small pat on the head or rub her chin but ever since I’ve grown to not care for my cat as much as I used to, lots of things about her annoy me. I used to hug her and kiss her and not care about the hair unless it made it difficult for me to breathe, but now, I can’t stand the hairs, I can’t even rub her head without tons of hairs flying off. She didn’t use to have dander but for some reason, she does now and just looking at it makes me feel grossed out and doesn’t make me want to pet her. My mom brushes her but she still has dander a lot of time.
I hate that even though we keep her in the laundry room, we find hair everywhere, we vacuum and 5 seconds later the hair is there again. I found cat hair in the kitchen when she hasn’t set a food there. I also find annoying that when I walk by the laundry room, she would just jump on my legs and bite me or scratch my legs. My mom says it’s cuz she wants to play and she’s trying to get my attention but it’s annoying to me and it hurts a lot.
I feel disgusting and terrible for having those feelings about my cat, it’s not the poor animal’s fault I feel this way I guess? But my mom makes me feel even worse because she tells me that she also hates the constant responsibility and having to clean up the poop and vomit and the tons of hairs but that she still loves our cat and that we chose to have her and that we can’t give her up like she’s an object we don’t want anymore and she already feels so guilty for giving our dog up and talks constantly about how much she misses him and regrets giving him up, even though she’s in contact with his new family and knows he’s well cared for and loved and happy. It’s weird because I rarely think about our old family dog but when I do, I feel bad for giving him up and the other day I woke up sobbing because I dreamt that he had died. I’m terrified that if I give up my cat, I’d feel the same way. because part of me feels like I would regret it and miss her when she’s gone, like how you only realize what you had when it’s gone type of thing,but I also feel like I’d feel free, without having to feel guilty for how I feel and not have the responsability anymore even though I barely take care of her anymore. At the same time I feel so bad for my cat, I feel like I’m making her sad because we see her through the glass door and she wants to come where we are but my mom doesn’t want the cat to destroy our couch again and doesn’t want the hair in her room because it also makes it hard to breathe for her but she goes every hour or so to play with our cat and gives her cuddles and talks to her, which I don’t do. I rarely cuddle her or give her attention and I feel bad, I feel the absolute worst and I really wish I could change the way I feel and not treat my cat this way, but when I give her attention it just feels forced, like I’m doing it so I don’t look so bad and also so the cat doesn’t feel bad but not because I want to give her attention.
The other day I got into a huge fight with my mom and the window in my room broke with the wind and we don’t have money to replace it so I sleep with my mom in her room, where the bathroom is too so I went to the laundry room to cry because I wanted to be alone without my mom for a while and my cat was there so I sat on the floor and opened my arms for her to come because I felt really horrible and I needed some affection and I used to hug my cat and sob against her whenever I felt bad before so I figured I’d try and do it again, see if I felt the same way as in the past or feel better you know? but when my cat got close to me, she tried to scratch at my hands which made me feel even worse so I just got up and left. I spoke about it with my mom once we made up and she told me the cat just wanted to play probably but that’s what she always says. She also says that when my cat bites or scratches me it’s cuz she’s showing me love but I don’t feel it that way.
And I really feel horrible for not loving my cat the way I used to, whenever I try and talk to my friends about it, they make me feel horrible as well, they tell me I’m mean cuz I don’t love my cat anymore and I try to explain to them that it’s not exactly like that but they don’t get it. I don’t even fully get it myself, because deep down I think I still love my cat, because the thought of her being harmed makes me want to die and as I’m writing this I’m sobbing my eyes out and can barely see the text I’m writing through the tears but at the same time I can’t stand my cat and I just feel the absolute worst person on earth, I feel like a piece of shit and I hate myself so much for it but I don’t know what to do… part of me wants to place her in a new home where she would maybe be happier, because she deserves better than to stay in the laundry room all day every day, but at the same time, I feel like she’d be broken-hearted if we abandoned her like she’d miss us and I’m scared I’d miss her too and regret giving her up. My mom says she wouldn’t stand giving the cat up even if sometimes she thinks that life would be easier if she didn’t have to take care of her. I don’t really know what to do, I’m desperate, I feel so guilty. Do you have maybe some advice to get myself to love my cat the way I used to again? I really don’t want to hurt her (emotionally, because physically we treat her well).
Thank you so much for your time!!
You need to find a better place for your cat. The stress of being locked in one room and not allowed out causes a lot of suffering for her, including the dandruff and the fur shedding.
At the very least, if you can’t find someone to keep her (which I think you should, this is really unfair to her especially) try to keep her litter box out of sight of her food and water if you don’t already (cats would never pee or poop where they eat and sleep because of predators) and get her interactive toys (balls, little rats, tunnels, etc) a scratching post with a nonfurry, steady base that won’t topple over and is tall enough that she can stretch her back when scratching it (if she thinks it’s going to fall over her, she won’t touch it, trust me). If one doesn’t do it for her, donate it and try again. When it works, you’ll know. My cats go straight to scratching when they see one they like…they still scratch the couch, though. Catnip would also be nice for her. All of that said, you should still try to spend time with her. She needs love and attention the same way a dog does, and she deserves to have people who love and take care of her – which you don’t seem to want to. You really should try to find her a new home.
I know it seems like I’m speaking from some high, lofty place of perfect love, but now is the time to admit that I have three cats I love but really don’t want anymore. I take care of them perfectly; brush their teeth, feed them, medicate them, play with them, fill my house with toys, scoop the litter box several times a day – I do everything for them and I love them more than anything. I also feel like they’re a burden – one I wish I didn’t have at 24. But I don’t have the option of giving them away; you do. Finding a home for one cat is possible. Finding a home for three cats that are almost elderly and have been together their whole lives so they can’t be adopted apart? Pretty much impossible. So I’m resigned to keeping them and doing my best until they’re no longer here. Do I want to do this? No. But I love them, so I will. I took responsibility for them, before I knew what it would mean. And it isn’t all horrible, because I do love them. I can’t separate them though, so I can’t give them away. But you can. Really.
I hope this helps. I know how responsibility sucks, because every time I travel, I pay a fortune to have them taken care of. I wish all the time I could just go and not worry about anything.
Please think about this. Don’t keep your little girl if it’s making both of you miserable. You can find a home for her, and life will be better for both of you that way.
This post makes me feel a little less alone. I came home from vacation and found an abandoned kitten in my backyard with an eye infection. I was familiar with the family of cats so I knew something was up when it spent the whole weekend crying without the mom or siblings in sight. I took him to the vet to check his eye, but hadn’t even considered taking him in. I’ve always liked cats but I’ve only owned a couple grown cats that kinda forced to watch over but I’ve never owned a kitten.
It’s been such a headache. I work crazy hours so finding the time to play with him has been difficult. I try to squeeze in time when I come from work in the morning but it never feels like enough. I have done very little training. The only training I’ve attempted is to stop him from biting and clawing at me. I got him at 4 weeks old and it’s still a problem at 7 months. I didn’t want to resort to a spray bottle but I’ve gotten frustrated.
I currently have a barrier up that keeps him in the living room and dining room. He likes to walk around my feet and sometimes he might take a swipe or bite if he doesn’t get his way. I come out the bedroom and see him staring, looking all sad, and starts meowing for attention, and I find it more frustrating than cute. No matter how many toys I buy he will always look for me. This experience has truly made me question if I even want children.
My cat likes to trip me all the time by darting under my feet,and I have physical issues already so this really makes me mad. It would seem the more I want to avoid her,the more she wants my attention and it’s really frustrating.
The thing with children is that they grow up. Cats never advance more than a 2-year-old’s mentality.
I’m 44 now and I had ( and have ) many animals in my life. I have 4 cats now.
I have never ever ever felt any negative emotion towards them. There never was a reason.
No matter what the costs, time and work were.
They give me SO MUCH. That is worth EVERYTHING.
The animals in my life have done incredible things for me, meant a lot to me, protected me, helped me, teached me. Made me laugh with their great sense of humour and let me into their secret world wich is an amazing experience.
I AM ABSOLUTELY CRAZY ABOUT MY CATS and still love each and every animal I had in my life.
♡
I love my cat so much. He turned 10 this year and I’ve had him the last 9 years. I relate to this article and I appreciate what you are saying here. There are times (still) when I come home to soil all over the floor and a half eaten plant a short distance away.. and when he goes into the garbage for a piece of plastic to chew on.. or cleaning up broken glass because he knocked something off the shelf.. or feeling extreme stress about finding someone to care for him when I travel.. when I do intensely dislike and resent my cat’s existence. However, as you beautifully stated:
“You should not feel sick writing that your life would be easier without him. Because it would. That’s just a fact of life and if the rest of us choose to ignore it so we can feel a bit better about the sacrifice, that doesn’t mean it’s no longer there. But you choose to keep him because making your life easier is not likely to make you happier – well that’s enormous. If the responsibility – which is huge – is outweighed by the enhancement loving him and him loving you brings to your life, well that’s the trade off we have to make with nearly anything in life.”
This is a great blog, thank you for such a great post. I love my cat Merlin and he is my best friend but the responsibility is ever present and it’s making me a better person to care for him. I have learned to work around him, keep plants on high shelves, etc. But it definitely took awhile, lol.
Thank you so much Elise for blogging about this subject. It amazes me how little it’s talked about – or at the very least, how hard it is to find other people going through the same experience.
My boyfriend wanted us to get a kitten – and to be honest, I’d always wanted a cat when I was a child – but I found myself getting more and more anxious as the fantasy became a reality. I would worry about every little thing: the cost, the responsibility, whether I would be a good cat mum. And I really want to be a good cat mum, but we’ve only had our little Russian Blue for just over a month and already all these worries are overwhelming me.
B couldn’t be more perfect, though I admit at four months he goes a little crazy when it’s playtime because he’s so full of energy – I love it, he’s hilarious and curious and cute! But I can’t help but feel like my life has been overtaken by negative thoughts. I’m constantly worrying if B’s ok, if I’m doing ok. I work from home and my daily routine revolves around him – feeding him, training him, playing with him – and I feel like such a terrible person for resenting that fact. He’s just a kid, really, but I find it so hard to give him what he needs.
When Kailey talked about her love for travel and the stress that comes with now being responsible for a cat – I feel exactly the same. I keep thinking I’m a selfish person because my life used to feel freer and now I feel trapped and unable to go away, though sometimes I need to for work.
I think it’s not helped by the fact that I had a really difficult first weekend with the kitten: I was left alone, as my boyfriend was away, to look after B who had diarrhoea (which I know is normal when getting used to a new environment, but I keep blaming myself for it) and had to be fed little and often – and I kept worrying that the worst would happen to him, and that I was doing a terrible job of it.
So now sometimes, when I’m alone in the house I shut myself in the bedroom. I love him so much, but I feel like such a failure 🙁
Hi. First of all, thank you so much for addressing this issue. I spent a lot of time unsuccessfully searching the internet before finally finding your article.
So here’s my situation. In 2014, I adopted a shelter cat. At the time, she was about 4 years old, was missing about half her hair, and had a swinging belly. I was told that no one else would adopt her because of her appearance, but she was really sweet. If she didn’t get adopted that day, she’d have to be put down. The staff even waived the adoption fee to encourage me to take her.
She does have some odd anxiety behaviors due to being abused by a previous owner, but so do I- I have PTSD due to domestic violence.
She has never liked to be held, which is frustrating, but other than that, she’s been a good support animal. She’s come to lay next to me during some horrible anxiety attacks.
Enter the kitten. She approached my daughter while we were out for a walk. I walk every day, and I have encountered tons of domestic and feral cats outdoors, but there was something different about this kitten. She would NOT stop following us or leave us alone. After she followed us across a busy street, we just had to bring her home.
She was so well behaved that I assumed I’d find her rightful owner soon. I checked everywhere- Facebook, shelters, neighborhood posters- to no avail. If she had a human, they weren’t looking for her.
I told my daughter we’d have to rehome the kitten in the interest of our older cat, but her dad offered to pay for vet visits and food if I kept her. I felt pressured, and agreed.
It’s been months now. We are bonded to the kitten. Since we’ve been training her, she does everything the older cat hates doing- cuddles, playtime, killing any insects that come indoors- she even loves baths and walks on a leash.
The problem is, no amount of training can get the older cat to stop viciously attacking the kitten. I can’t leave the apartment or sleep or get anything done unless I isolate them.
The isolation is stressful to the older cat, who is not used to having her territory reduced. In retaliation, she howls, bites herself to the point of drawing blood, and jump crashes into closed doors.
In spite of my best efforts, she occasionally gets to the kitten, and when she does, the screams exacerbate my PTSD so badly that I could end up in the hospital. I absolutely need to rehome one of them.
I know that the kitten could be rehomed easily, whereas the older cat cannot, but having a healthy cat around has made me start to resent all the care the older cat requires. Since she’s a binge eater, she has to be fed small meals frequently, and still, I have to scrub diarrhea or vomit from my carpet at least once per day.
She’ll never cuddle the way the kitten does. I’ll never be able to train her as well as we’ve trained the kitten. She may need to be put down soon, anyway. And I know it’s not her fault, but when she attacks the kitten, it makes me kinda hate her. I feel like she’s attacking my baby, and I have to rehome my baby to protect a dying animal because I owe it to her.
Finances have also been a huge source of stress since I am unable to afford things like timed feeders, screen doors, calming collars, etc. I wouldn’t even be able to afford food without the help from my daughter’s father.
On top of all that, I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about it. I’m afraid to even post to Facebook about rehoming the kitten, because there’s so much shame around it. I’ve seen people verbally attack others who needed to rehome their pets.
Anyway. Thank you for creating this post and for validating the fact that good people who love their pets can still feel normal feelings like frustration and resentment.
I just wanted to say I hear you, I have a similar situation, my mother left her two cats – both sweethearts – here. with my three cats, without bothering to get them used to each other first, and because of this, I have to isolate them all the time, every night, and even during the day, so they don’t fight, or gang up on each other. I absolutely hate them, all of them, when this happens. I can’t sleep at night, either, because I have to keep them locked in my room, and they howl half the time…sometimes, I feel like I’m losing my mind. Anyway…I guess this isn’t really very helpful. I just read your post, though, and I couldn’t help but feel like writing this,
Hi there, 19y/o here. It makes me feel quite better that a cat owner (especially someone who seems to be as ardently inclined towards cats as you) can sympathise with this issue. I adopted my own 3m/o kitten a couple weeks ago. I had hoped that an animal companion might help with my ongoing depression and loneliness, but her arrival hasn’t contributed much—if anything, slightly worsened my mental health. She’s only around when she’s in the mood, and only allows petting before mealtime (after which she runs at the sight of me). The responsibility of taking care of her daily is overpowering, and the somewhat reluctant attitude of my parents isn’t helping. They don’t care a whit about her, but are only tolerating it to keep me happy. Moreover, the budget constraints with respect to food is another issue altogether—the cat refuses to eat anything that isn’t branded cat food.
She’s lovely, she is. She’s quiet, hardly ever meows, and doesn’t bite if I don’t bother her. I care a lot about her, but I don’t know how to keep her around any more. And if I do give her away, I don’t know how to face the accusatory and judgmental people around me, who’ll definitely call me out for being irresponsible.
Would appreciate to hear from you 🙂
I don’t think it’s irresponsible of you to find a new home for her if you feel having a pet wasn’t a good fit. What would be irresponsible (in my opinion), is trying to weather through and live with a situation that’s not ideal for you or for her because people might try to make you feel guilty over it, or if you didn’t do your best to find her a good home.
Right now, being so young, she has a much higher chance of being adopted into a good, loving home than later when she is no longer a ridiculously heart-melting teeny, tiny kitten. I would recommend working very closely with the place you got her, or a shelter if you bought her, in order to find her a good home. Explain you really need to make sure she is well taken care of, but that you didn’t realize how much she would cost, that it’s your first time having a pet, and that you feel like right now, being so young and without the support of your family, having a pet is not a viable option for you. They should understand, especially if you are so adamant about finding her a good home.
Good luck! But definitely don’t let others make you feel guilty even if they try. Irresponsible is if you don’t look out for her: taking the time to find her a good, quality home that she’ll be very happy in is absolutely, 100% looking out for her.
Here’s my situation. My family wanted a cat. I didn’t. I gave in thinking, “ok, lets give it a try”. Now I am 100% certain that I didn’t want a cat.
It scratches furniture, pulls up the carpet, soils the garden, eats flowers just after I plant them, tries to hunt the guinea pigs, but most significantly causes massive grief at night when it hides under beds instead of going to it’s quarters at night. This chasing of the cat late at night has caused big disturbance, lost sleep and significant marital problems for us while I run round with a laser pen and eventually resort to squirting it with water leaving my wife in tears.
I have no sympathy for this animal. When I’m in the house alone I immediately shut it away. I feel relaxed when it is locked out of where I am.
I know that when it eventually dies my children will be sad, and I don’t look forward to that. But in all other ways I could not care less for this annoying animal that is costing me money while ruining my house and marriage and I am glad that they age faster than humans.
If you think I’m a psychopath, hopefully I can help you feel what it is like… Let’s say you hate a particular sport e.g. basketball. Your partner loves it and installs a huge TV that can’t be turned off, playing non-stop basketball. It drives you crazy but you can’t escape. It starts to affect relationships. You start to question what is more important. You’d probably want to make some changes.
I would never advocate animal cruelty but I believe animals are less important than people. After all, some we keep as pets, others we eat. Neither of which are in the interests of the animal!
I just plain don’t want it and feel I should have trusted my instinct before.
My family now want a dog.
No!!!!!
I think there are people who just will never be happy with pets in their lives. Just like not everybody should have kids, because not everybody is going to be happy to have children in their lives. It’s plain and simple as that: not everyone is the same.
In my opinion, the biggest problem with your situation is you don’t want pets while your family does, so there’s a pretty enormous difference in what will make each member happy. Almost like two people in a relationship who love each other, one desperately wanting children, the other desperately wanting to never have children. It’s an impossible situation in a lot of respects, one person always has to sacrifice so much.
Hang in there, and maybe when the first kiddo grows up and move out, you can ask him or her to take the cat along with them. I would definitely hold my ground on the no dog thing, though. Explain your situation in terms of not being happy to have pets the same way some people don’t want children and hopefully your family will understand you’re already compromising a lot by having a single pet for some time.
I came to this one from the link in your last article, while I was searching “I hate my cat” on google. This type 2 is definitely me. I dislike my cat so much that I want to send her away almost everyday every second when I cast my eyes upon her. But it’s so hard. I did almost everything perfectly ( compared to those friends of mine who have cats as pets, I think I’m a much better pet owner), except that I don’t give her much affection. We adopted her from shelter, she is nothing special domestic short hair (yes, I know many pet owners thinks their ordinary pet super special, but I just can’t 🙁 ), she was sweet from the very beginning though no cuddling for long time. But I can’t cuddle her for long time even she approves it, because I realized that I’m super allergic to cat’s hair after half an year we had her. Before that, my rhinitis has not bothered me for almost 5 years after I move to NYC. Gosh! I hate her more and more when my allergie gets worse. But I feel so defeated and disappointed of myself, we sent our dog away to a wonderful family before the cat, and we never regret it. The days with the dog seamed like a nightmare for both of us. Because of that, I try to treat my cat much much much better, hired someone professional to my home when I’m away for long trip, care nothing about the cost. Brushing everyday, special food every now and then. But I hate her! Ah!! The hatred is pure hatred of responsibility, and I hate myself for hating responsibility! Isn’t it funny! And I decided not to have any children because I can’t even bear a lovable cat. She definitely loves me, I just…… I just feel so hard to love her the same way back. I just want to be free… Guess people should read more articles like this before they decide to bring a pet into their lives. Especially those who had shitty parents when they were children themselves. It would be very hard for people like this to play the role of good parents, even to animals (not everyone, sure, but huge percentage).
I know it may not actually bring you much comfort to hear, but you probably are a very good pet parent to her. I do think a lot of times how we feel and what we do don’t perfectly line up – it sounds to me like you’re taking care of her very well albeit your frustration with the responsibility and the allergic reactions (which are no minor issue!) she brings to your life.
At the same time, if this frustration is something you’ve felt for so long, you know that your allergies are not going away, and to give her as much affection as she wants would probably make you feel physically horrible – plus at same time you feel you could find her a really good home with really affectionate people to live with, maybe you shouldn’t feel like you have to keep her? Maybe it’s the same as with the dog, and if you find the perfect home for her, you won’t regret re-homing her at all. How could you if both she and you are happier?
Sometimes I feel like we need to give ourselves permission to find our own happy. I think society’s convinced us if we do something that’s normally rewarding to others, but don’t personally get much out of it, we are crazy and should feel ashamed of our reaction.
But honestly, so what if you hate responsibility? It doesn’t matter if you had shitty parents yourself, you obviously know how to love your furry and take care of her quite well. It also stands to reason that some people out there exist who had perfect parents and yet still would be happiest if they don’t have the burden of too much responsibility – because everyone is different. Why should you feel guilty about not being the same as the norm?
Just think about it. Figure out what would be best for you. What would be best for her. And see if there’s a way if those two can align. Oh and (obviously) if you re-home her, don’t adopt another pet.